And it’s still sitting comfortably at 4.5 Stars! Check out the book if you haven’t already. It’s great for your eyes and brain.
"The book is written in a style as if you bumped into Dan O’Brien in a bar and he proceeded to drunkenly explain each and every U.S. President to you in a very colloquial way."
I hope there’s an audio version where Dan reads the book in a drunkenly, colloquial way. That would be the tops!
I would pay any amount of money to watch this movie and hear Jon Snow sing to Ghost about friendship.
I am going to start a cult where the only rule is that I get to name all the newborn babies because OMG, you guys, I have like a hundred totally awesome names and absolutely nothing to do with them.
LET’S DO A REVIEW OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH
WE GOT THIS SHIT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT THANKS TO BERRY-SCENTED TUMBLR USER JENNYLOGGINS
I AM A HULKING, BURLY, MASCULINE MAN, SO USUALLY I USE OLD SPICE OR IRISH SPRING OR SOME MANLY SHIT LIKE THAT BUT TODAY I WAS OUT OF SOAP SO I USED THIS SHIT
FIRST OFF LET’S START WITH THE PACKAGING
THIS FUCKING RAINBOW-ASS UNICORN IS THERE IN THE SHOWER EVERY DAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY THIS LITTLE FUCKER SITS THERE AND GIVES ME THAT SULTRY GAZE WHILE IM TRYING TO CLEAN MY VULNERABLE NAKED ASS
rub me on your body
ALSO IT’S WORTH NOTING THAT THIS SHIT COMES WITH A WARNING NOT ONLY TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN BUT THAT PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN CAN GIVE YOU RASHES AND PROBABLY UNICORN HERPES OR SOME OTHER SHIT
IDK ABOUT YALL BUT LAST I CHECKED THE EXACT PURPOSE OF BODY WASH IS PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN SO THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A RED FLAG BUT I PROCEEDED, ALBEIT WITH PROPER PRECAUTION AS TO AVOID APPLYING AROUND MY EYES AS DIRECTED BY THE PACKAGING OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. ALSO IT SAYS TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THEY ARE MARKETING THIS PRODUCT NOT FOR CHILDREN BUT FOR GROWN MEN SUCH AS MYSELF
I APPLIED A GENEROUS AMOUNT TO MY HANDS TO BEGIN THE CLEANING.
i’m so fucked up
AND THAT WAS WHEN THE MOST POTENT SMELL OF ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED BERRY I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE HIT ME LIKE A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE
I NEARLY FELL OVER IN THE SHOWER. IT WAS SO FUCKING BERRY. IT WAS LIKE I MADE SWEET LOVE TO AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC BERRY WOMAN AND DOVE NOSE-FIRST INTO HER GUSHING FRUITY LOINS. THERE WAS NO FURTHER DOUBT THAT THIS WAS INDEED LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. IT’S NO WONDER LISA FRANK’S ART IS ALL SO COLORFUL, SHE’S FUCKING HIGH AS BALLS HUFFING HER BERRY-ASS BODY WASH.
IT GOT ME CLEAN BUT I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THAT FUCKING BERRY. I UNDERSTAND THE WARNING LABEL NOW. THIS SHIT IS PROBABLY TOXIC TO SMALL CHILDREN, IT’LL BERRY THEIR FUCKING BRAIN CELLS TO DEATH. DO NOT TRUST THAT SULTRY UNICORN. YOU SEE THE MILKY WHITE COLOR IT’S PROBABLY HIS SPOOGE IN THAT BOTTLE IT’S NOT EVEN BODY WASH I JUST CLEANED MYSELF WITH BUBBLY BERRY UNICORN BATTER
0/10 WOULD NOT BERRY AGAIN
I FUCKING AM CHOKING AND PEEING AND DYING OF LAUGHTER I JUST FUCKING CAN’T RIGHT NOW. PLEASE REVIVE ME SWEET LORD.
This post is my life force
note to self: make an audio post of this
A portrait of Prince George released to commemorate his first birthday, shows him walking all on his own.
I made an eBook!
Babies can strike at your most vulnerable organs before you even know they exist. Therefore babies are ninjas. It’s time we reacted appropriately. There are thousands of guides for dealing with new babies, but they’re all about supporting, and helping, and nurturing, and otherwise surrendering to our new overlords.
Science fiction spent decades warning us that humanity would create our own replacements. But these replacements aren’t machines: they’re babies. Or should we say GENETICALLY ENGINEERED HYBRIDS WHO WILL TAKE OUR STUFF WHEN WE DIE? Yes, yes we should, because that’s exactly what they are, and the first part of their plan is hormonal brainwashing to make everyone think this is normal.
You need help now, and you need it against babies. Most baby books are written from the point of view of helping the baby. Most self-defense guides assume you’re the one in danger of being throttled by a violent lunatic driven to desperate measures. This book will correct both of those mistakes.
Contents: 5,800 words, DRM-free eBook in mobi, epub and PDF.
Here’s a free reaction pic for you, Tumblr. Catch you later.
The Cracked drought ends now. I’m a columnist, goddammit. I can’t keep ignoring my dream job just because my life has been falling apart for eight months. I have a Quick Fix I am super proud of coming up and I promise one column a week after that for the foreseeable future. And to prove it I am going to go write for the next four hours.
When I finally become a royal, I am going to need a longer neck.
Queen Maud of Norway in her coronation regalia, 1906
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Upside: working on stuff I love.
Downside: Noticing it’s 5 pm on a Friday and that doesn’t mean anything.