I just spent way too long trying to use my right hand to touch my right elbow.
Video: Nick Offerman Recites Some Profound Shower Thoughts [gifs via]
Holbein, Hans, 1497-1543. Icones mortis, 1547.
Houghton Library, Harvard University
one sentence horror story: “seems like we’re the last two people on earth, m’lady”
After years of watching British panel shows, I have broken the code to being a successful comedian in that country. All you have to do is make jokes about the following:
Anything about the French
Anything about the Germans and WWII or the 1966 World Cup
The channel “Dave” replays things
Scotland does not eat healthy
The Welsh fuck sheep and the people of Norfolk (or sometimes the Midlands) fuck their relatives
The Lib Dems refuse to have a straightforward opinion
The Express is obsessed with Princess Di
Nick Clegg is an errand boy
Eric Pickles is fat
Give me my millions of comedy dollars now please.
He’s just mad because he can’t acquire all the apple juice that I’m acquiring. (x)
One of the more helpful and insightful things I’ve seen about depression/suicide in the last couple of days.
People forget that depression and other mental illnesses can be terminal like any other illness. Stop with this “they just gave up” bullshit.
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
glorious costumes from the upcoming The Empress of China
After seeing the photo in the bottom right hand corner today I realised something.
Even after all these years, Elizabeth looks at Philip in the exact same way she always has.
She looks him directly in the eye and he looks directly back. She smiles, not a huge one but it doesn’t need to be.
It’s a genuine smile which shows how much she loves and appreciates him not just as the Duke but as her husband.
Curse. Not too much, but always when necessary.
Own a dog. Cats are sociopaths.
Pop music is popular for a reason. Embrace it.
You have access to all of human knowledge at your fingertips. It is your fault if you stay ignorant.
Meat is murder. I don’t care if it tastes good.
Death is just something that happens.
God is love. Everything else is just semantics.
I would do an update on my life, but all your responses would be one/all of the following:
"Holy mother of fuck."
"Call the cops."
"How are you still alive/sober?"
straight people are terrifying they can go as far as to give the girl skeleton a pair of bone titties to indicate its a straight relationship
- Anonymous said:there's a lot of transmisogynistic stuff on cracked (and everywhere, to be sure, but we're talking bout cracked) - are you proud of this aspect of cracked's message, or no? if you DO consider it a problem would you say that anything will ever be done about it?
That’s something we’re actively working on. I can’t speak for other writers but the 2008 version of me was completely clueless on the topic and I...
- mr-cappadocia said:If females are the largest voting bloc in America, and politicians understand this, how, if politicians are self interested actors, would this impact the policies and spending of the American government?
I think they’d pour a bunch of money and research into figuring out why men aren’t voting.
Years ago I was listening to old interviews with young girls given during the height of Beatlemania and you can hear that, as they try to articulate...
- mr-cappadocia said:So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?
Because we’re true believers!
Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby...
It should be noted that I’m going to keep posting things like my most recent ones, because this is my personal blog with yeah mostly jokes but also...
- True StoryDaniel:Hmm, how should we spend our Saturday?Jackson the Dog:*excited face* *sneeze*Daniel:I was thinkin', maybe, I don't know... TREATS!?... ...
- An Update to my column "4 Terrible Golf Tips For Beginners (By a Beginner)"
A few days ago, almost nobody read my latest column. I love it, but I...