#this comic went places
Keeping The Same Tabs Open For 9 Days Straight Because They Contain Information Relevant To Tasks You’re Too Lazy To Complete - A novel by me
I’m crying oh my fucking god
I pray every day that God will only give me daughters.
"You can believe me"
in college my email address was email@example.com
Whilst in Sydney in 1994, a man apparently tries to assassinate Prince Charles. And not a single fuck was given by His Royal Highness.
THEY’RE ALL JUST STARING AND JUDGING
"How rude…this bodyguard just shoved me!"
I want to be this rich and indifferent one day
BUNCH OF FLOOOOOOOWERS
All day, boys have been bombarding Cracked and its social media for a measured response to today’s column by Zoe Quinn. I thought Cracked would do the right thing and produce an immediate apology to those the article had hurt, but it is looking less likely by the minute. Fortunately, I happen to be a “gamer,” a lady, and a slave to internet attention, so here is my take on the whole thing.
Let me first start off by explaining my credentials. I wasn’t allowed to have video games at my house when I was a kid, but I totally knew someone with Donkey Kong Country. When I won a Game Boy in a raffle in 1991 I was allowed to keep it. I hate to brag, but I was pretty awesome at Tetris. I don’t remember what level I got to, but the music was playing super fast by then. I never managed to get past Wednesday on Paperboy, but that game was fucking HARD.
I know, I know, that stuff is so “old school,” well, let me lay this on you: A boyfriend gave me Civilization 3 in college and I played it at least a dozen times. Once until 4 a.m. I have also played Goldeneye AND been in the room when someone else was playing Skyrim. Red vs. Blue? Yeah, I’ve seen the whole first season.
Now, a few hours ago I would not have put myself forward as an expert on this subject. But, as I have learned by reading internet comments about this situation, one does not have to know anything about women, institutional sexism, the patriarchy, spelling, grammar, or even how to keep one’s head out of one’s ass in order to have an opinion on the matter. So I’m just going to assume knowing next to nothing about video games is okay as well, as long as I declare myself an expert.
On to the problem at hand. We have a lady, who is involved with this industry in some way. There is also a possibility that she has sex. This annoys me, because last time I checked, we have a stereotype about gamers not having sex. Stereotypes exist for a reason: So I know how to judge you without having to put any effort into knowing you at all. If this Zoe person has had sex, she is letting the side down. Plus, when she was having that sex, did she even think about all the gamers NOT having sex? How can you claim to be a part of a sexless community and then betray them like that?
I even heard a rumor she might have had sex with two guys in a 24 hour period. That. Is. Horrible. I haven’t had sex with two guys in a 24 hour period since I was 19-years-old, and now I CAN’T because of this stupid marriage. Knowing other people might be doing the awesome things I was doing when I was young and hot and horny and out in the world meeting people to have sex with because I wasn’t inside playing video games makes me SO PISSED. I am going to go hate masturbate to her photos now because she is pretty hot and the knowledge she is in control of her sexuality and yet doesn’t include me in it just grinds my gears.
…what was I talking about? Oh, right. A woman having sex with someone who isn’t me- NO wait, FUCK. I mean- game journalism! Yes, game journalism. That is what this is all about. I don’t know why I covered that sex thing first since it is such a minor… part…of the whole argument. Ha ha. Gaming journalism.
Game journalism is the most important journalism in the world. After all, how else will you know which games to pirate and then never finish? The Fourth Estate is sacrosanct. Even though it is completely legal for companies to pay news programs to lie to us about what we are putting in our mouths. And even though people have been saying for ages that game journalism is deeply flawed, and not because of one, or indeed any number of vagina’s. And also, like… um…
I don’t have anything else to say about game journalism because none of the 1000 comments I read today, which claimed that was the BIG DEAL of this whole shit storm, ever went more into detail than that, nor did the ex-boyfriend’s 10,000 word manifesto. Everyone just seemed into the sex rumors. Should I talk about the sex stuff again? I know a LOT about that. I think I know more about Zoe’s supposed sex life than I do my own at this point.
I don’t mind talking about it more. It’s a lot more fun to imagine people boning than the ethics of some freelance writer typing alone at 2 a.m. I know, I am that writer.
No? OK, fine.
(Your girlfriend has had sex with at least five guys.)
(And may be cheating on you.)
(Your fears and crippling doubts make us stronger.)
*cough* tiny penis *cough*
(Yes, I know this is the Onion, but) I DO NOT understand people who drink coffee, or any caffeine for that matter. You guys, sleep is awesome. Naps are awesome. If you don’t have time to sleep 8 hours a day, you need to reassess your priorities.
I am crying I love this too much
"Wut duz that even mean?"
So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It’s a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.
The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the…
Yet another Cracked writer being awesome!
It’s 3:30 AM and I have this on repeat. It may just be because I am deliriously tired at this point, but I am fascinated by how small Jessie J’s boobs are.
Here’s a test:
I’m holding a baby in one hand and a petri dish holding a fetus in the other.
I’m going to drop one. You chose which.
If you really truly believe a fetus is the same thing as a baby, it should be impossible for you to decide. You should have to flip a coin, that’s how impossible the decision should be.
Shot in the dark, you saved the baby.
Because you’re aware there’s a difference.
Now admit it
As far as I know, science doesn’t consider a bundle of cells to be a fetus until 8-9 weeks after conception, so that should really say “holding a fertilized egg.” Either way, the answer should be the same for fundies.
When someone thinks you’re a hassidic hillbilly with a snoot full of honeybees
A friend took her kid to a birthday party at the home of a health nut. The piñata was filled with granola bars. (Really)
Worst. Piñata. Ever.
I tell people what I think and get paid for it. This will never be less than amazing.